Taking place

This is directly translated from Swedish “att ta plats”, in English it would be more like…taking space, being noticed, not being invisible.

I find that I have taken very little space the last few years here, I have isolated, and kept to myself, and also felt sorry for myself because of this.  There have been very many good reasons, and excuses to not be noticed or draw attention to myself.

One reason, is that I have gained a lot of weight (probably due to not doing anything but isolating).  Funny, but the bigger I got, the less I was noticed, and the more I disappeared.   I think this is because the only acceptable form of discrimination in Swedish society (and probably a lot of other countries), is against the overweight, or obese members of society.

I didn’t realize how moving to another country right before turning 40 would impact me.  I not only went through the midlife crisis (feeling sorry for myself), but also the what am I doing here? crisis.

It’s taken me a little over 5 years to start thawing.  By that I mean, starting to accept where I’m at, who I am, and where I live.  Starting to notice the people and places around me, good and bad.  Starting to have a voice again.

It’s the darkest time of the year over here, but somehow I’m finding the light that went out in my life, many years ago, probably even before I moved to Sweden.  I’m starting to feel alive again.

I’m wanting to take space.